MATERIAL HANDLER* Loads, unloads, and moves materials, including Jesus slippers, grid squares, dynamited chicken, and left-handed monkey wrenches within or near plant, yard, or work site; A beautiful dystopian, performing any combination of the following bag drag duties while bullet-sponging toward heaven: Reads work order or follows big voice oral instructions to ascertain materials or containers to be moved, including, brainbuckets, hillbilly armor, bug juice, fart sacks, and moonbeams. Opens sin-filled bone containers, using steel cutters, crowbar, claw hammer, or other hand tools. With eyes closed or blindfolded, loads and unloads, indigestible materials, gedunk, dicks of death, and bag nasties onto, or from, pallets, trays, racks, and shelves, by hand. From the bottom of heart, loads chest candy, birth control eye-glasses, flash bangs, snivel gear, and miscellaneous zombie toys into waiting vehicles and installs strapping, bracing, or padding to prevent shifting or damage in transit, especially where eternal life requires unfailing vigilance,using god-awful hand tools and hapless thought processes. Surreptitiously conveys butterflied and/or padlocked contraband materials to or from illicit storage or work sites to designated black-op or off-shore corporate areas, using handtruck, electric dolly, wheelbarrow, and/or other deviant drone device. Secures money-lifting attachments and hastily improvised explosive devices to materials’ receptacle and conveys cleansed load to diabolical destination, using hand-operated crane or hoist, or speechlessly signals crane or hoisting operators to move load to pretend or clandestine destination of DOD’s choosing. With crumb-catcher closed, in standard issue gofasters, avoids 7,000 mile screw driver and Power Point commandos, while patiently awaiting cheese dick dead-check. Preferably prior to O Dark 30 Hours.
Appeared in January 19, 2015 issue of The Commonline Journal.